Pete Docherty, musician and professional troubled person has announced plans to represent Britain at the 2012 Olympic games, on the gymnastic mat. “It`s time I cleaned up my act,” Docherty said to another person listening nearby. “I want to make my mark in two distinct fields of endeavour and I have picked music and gymnastics. I began a strict new training regime that involves me getting up before noon, everyday and the next step is to start eating food from a plate.” Pete Docherty, soon to be seen on a podium near you.

Gordon Ramsay, cook and well known foul mouth is set to pack in boiling stuff for a living and become a car park attendant.

“It is something I have been contemplating for a while now,” said Gordon between expletives. “I love parking my own car and it would be a pleasure to help others park theirs, especially now I have a limp and a brown lab coat. It also offers the opportunity for dome first class shouting matches.”

Ramsay can be seen in large open spaces near you limping around shouting “Oi, you can`t park there mate.

Alex Ferguson is an avid collector and has kept every piece of chewing gum he has ever used. Most of it is stored in a specially built garage and the rest is part of an ongoing project to build a full scale replica of Old Trafford.

Leo Sayer may have slipped of the public radar since his appearance in celebrity big brother some years back but he is a well known face around Drumnadrochit. Sayer, 62 with curly hair, moved north some time ago and set up a mobile cycle ice cream service. “I have always wanted to live by the sea and you don`t get many seas bigger than Loch Ness! I have a large box at the front of mytricylce for all my ices and a little saddle bag at the back to keep my chocolate flakes in.” Leo explained to some one a while ago. He put his success down to knowing his customers needs, a cheery manner always smiling and whistling and dressing like a clown.

Ronaldo, Portuguese footballer and professional clumsy person has long denied that he has his eyebrows shaped in the mornings to maintain that rather surprised look he sports.

A spokesperson told someone, who told another who let us know that it is all down to his manchester diet of boiled cabbage and the resultant wind and smell effects.

"It is all expected to change soon. Once he gets used to his new Spanish foods Senor Ronaldo will return to his preferred mono-brow.

Ronaldo can be seen soon falling down a lot on a TV screen near you soon.

Bono singer and occasional messiah has asked the population of the world to stop referring to him as a god-like genius. “It has all become very irritating” the speccy one said to some one else at a recent messiah convention. “I am not a God-like genius and I want it all to stop. I am just an ordinary fella who happens to be a genuine other worldly God and a genius so I am certainly not God-like nor am I nearly a genius.”
That should set the record straight and keep the population of the world aware of whom they are talking about.

Lady Gaga, singer of songs and all round down to earth, same as me and you, rough diamond has taken time out from here busy schedule to fly home to the USA to tend to her budgies.

"Normally," Gaga said, "I take them on tour with me but not when I am in Europe as my budgies do not like flying."

The Gag Lady promises she will be back on stage as soon as she has cleaned out the birds cages and put fresh water and seed out for them.

Louis Walsh, Irish fella and all round little chap told the other day about his dream of receiving recognition in the cake baking world.

"I have been making cakes for about 3 months now and feel that it is about time I was given a medal for my hard work and dedication," said Mr Walsh jigging on the spot. "I may have managed some of the best bands of song singers that have ever sung songs but it is in the cake department that I really excel."

Louis can often be seen drooling outside a branch of Greggs taking notes.

Esther Rantzen devised the rules for competitive leapfrog and is chairman of ELF English Leapfrog Federation, she was also British champion between 1975-78.

Peter has stopped wearing a disguise when he goes out in public.

His new found fame was causing big problems so he took to dressing up as Ronnie Corbett in an effort to hide from his fans and his wife in particular.

It all came to a head the other day when his disguise was so effective he fooled himself and spent several hours playing golf and telling long, rambling stories. He got such a fright he has vowed to stay as himself in case a disguise becomes permanent.

Tips

Cliff Richard swears by rolling up large amounts of sellotape into football size proportions to throw at flies in hot weather.

Cilla Black carves her name into an old potato which she dips in poster paint to save time when giving autographs.

David Blunkett places different kinds of fish and vegetables around his house in order that he can recognise one room from another

Ally McCoist has successfully completed a McDonalds happy meal training course and now owns 2 burger vans.

David Dickinson, the Orangeman of antiques and bric a brac held a press conference to deny rumours that he is an android. It has long been thought that David (28) was a metallic robot and his tan was in fact rust caused by years of walking around car boot sales in all weathers. The junk shop raider commented “I would like to refute all these stories of my being some sort of ageing metal Mickey. I am not never have been and have no intentions of ever becoming an android and let this be an end to the matter.” He then left the meeting abruptly to rush to meet with an expert who was repairing a very collectable series of CP3Pos.
Dickinson will be touring the country later this year appearing in the Wizard of Oz as Dorothy.

Uri Geller, spoon bender, watch mender and friend of weird famous people has revealed he has a book out giving handy cost saving tips for every day tasks. Uri (21 and very sensible ) has put his days of destroying cutlery behind him and now wears special magic power curtailing gloves at all times in case of accidents. Geler was once thrown out of Buckingham Palace when at a Pizza and Chicken dipper night with the Queen and Philip he bent her favourite gin and tonic glass, and ornate silver chalice from the 15thC.
Gellers` new book is out on Monday and contains many handy tips such as, if you are always late taking books back to the library use a kipper as a bookmark, you will always know where your book thus avoiding those late return fines, important during a recession.

Ant and Dec have revealed that they have been having a laugh at our expense. “We are actually Dec and Ant,” the dark haired one said recently. “We used to move about on stage and no one seemed to notice, the name Ant and Dec stuck so we just went along with it even though we are really Dec and Ant.”
Dec and Ant are returning to our screens soon but are currently touring with the Royal Ballet Company as stand in stunt ballerinas, allowing themselves to be thrown about the stage by big burly male dancers. “They are the ideal size to be hurled about for this and they seem to enjoy it,” a spokesman said a few days ago.

Geri Haliwell, spice person and professional ginger caused a major alert a few days ago when she went missing for 4 hours.

A spokesperson said " One minute she was there the next she had disappeared".

All the rescue services were called out in a dramatic bid to find the little ginger one. Thankfully she was found safe and well after slipping between a couple of floorboards.

The head of the rescue services was delighted with the outcome but warned against the dangers of becoming too wee.

Paul McKenna, hypnotist and general trickmeister, has not been seen on out TV screens for some time now and a t a secret media conference on an undisclosed date a while ago the reasons for his disappearance were revealed.

" I was getting ready to go out to the ice cream van for a 99," said McKenna swinging his watch menacingly. "As I was checking my hat in the mirror and setting it at a jaunty angle I accidently hypnotised myself and remained there, stuck, for some months in a state of suspended animation until my housemate Derren came home and rescued me."

Paul can be seen regularly in a supermarket near you eating onions and making duck noises.

The Krankies have decided to call it a day and retire from stage and screen. Mr Krankie, the taller one and wee Jimmys` dad explained that the whole idea had simply been to pay for the young lads schooling and instill a good work ethic. Now that he has left school with his qualifications, higher ceramic crafts and standard grade metalwork and weaving, he is working in the local supermarket on the Deli counter and so they do not have time for the bright lights any more. Although the Deli counter is a good job, Jimmy has his sights set higher and wants to drive trains or become a woman. Sadly then it appears to be the end of an incredibly enjoyable and entertaining career.

Jordan, Katie Price or Mrs Andre it appears you can take your pick because none of them are real according to the woman herself. “I have decided to come out and explain that despite all I have done and my fabulous achievements, I am not actually real,” she exposed a wee while ago. “I am in fact a hand made model and began my life travelling around local arts and craft fairs being shown off as a demonstration model. One day, a bit like Pinocchio, I escaped out a side door and got lost, the rest is now history. I want to make a clean breast of it in the hope that some one can help me. Every time I tell a lie my boobs get bigger and I can`t cope any longer.
It has since been discovered that there are a large number of these kind of little models rampaging around the country and the government has called in a national pest control company to help eradicate the problem.